Read this and change your life!

I think Queen said it best when they said; I want it all and I want it now. I really, really do. Frustratingly I repeatedly fall short of having it all, and end up with rather little in comparison to apparently less ambitious people all around me. Does everyone grow up thinking they are going to be really important one day? I did. I used to interview myself in the bathroom mirror regularly and wonder how the hell my name would ever fit on the spine of a book. In fact, as I write this it reminds me of a documentary my friend James made not so long ago about growing up sure that he would be a millionaire by the age of 30. The documentary was broadcast just months before his 30th birthday, alas he is no millionaire. But he is, to the best of my knowledge, happy, as his mother points out in the film.

So that’s probably the point that we’re all missing isn’t it? Why is it that everywhere I turn I’m being advised on how to make myself richer, more beautiful, less stupid, more fashionable, sexier, funnier (hah…I’ve nailed that one thanks…a cunning mix of lame self-deprecation and searing sarcasm…the fucking Don Giovanni of wit!). Even punters at the pub see the melancholy in my eyes and advise me on the way forward, the latest pearl of pub wisdom; “Loads of people are talented, but it’s the ones that really know what they want that make it.” Are you sure drunk pub man? Are you sure it’s not the ones that plough through the opposition like possessed maniacs that make it?

Today I read several articles on the fact that it has been scientifically proven that women need more sleep than men, on account of our tendency to multi-task. Women are neurotic, I’m not being funny but it is a fact. We’re not multi-tasking the whole time, most of it is just us tripping out and thinking that if we stop tripping out; the world will implode and it’ll be all our fault that other peoples babies, all the worlds bunnies and all the hot men we haven’t met yet went up in smoke. Yeah, I know, all the feminists hate me now, I’m letting the side down by telling the truth. Stop you’re whinging and go and get 7.5 hours sleep before you have to take responsibility for your own fatigue on top of everything else.

It stresses me out just reading that stuff, partly due to my genders leaning toward irrational neurosis and partly because the lack of sleep in the average women’s life is probably down to the fact that we can’t sleep for worrying about how little time we have for sleep. Work harder, take up yoga, charm everyone, aim for the top, be graceful, be one of the boys, eat five a day, look stunning, act like you don’t know it, play it cool, go for what you want, drink water, be on time, be fashionably late, be amazing in bed, sleep more.

How about just find out what makes you happy and do that? Ok, so you might not live as long, or be as rich but you may find that your days on this earth are worth breathing in and out for. I can’t decide whether my thoughts on this matter are down to realising that it’s about going to bed and waking up (approximately five hours later if I’m working the next morning and twelve if I’m not) with a smile on your face. Or whether 27 years of ambition thwarted by fear have just made me give in. Either way, the pursuit of happiness in whatever form you eventually find it has got to be the way to go.

It brings you back to where you started in a way though doesn’t it? So you shrug off all that external pressure and really think about what would make you happy. Is it having the career you always dreamt of? A home you’ve made your own? Changing someone elses life for the better? Writing a novel? Finding the love of your life? Having kids? Making a name for yourself at the top of your profession? Yes. It is. I want it all and I want it now.

P.S When that’s not playing on my psychological ipod, it’s the theme tune from Cheers…